A raw, unprocessed update

From August 8th, 2010

I recently realized that since coming  out as Polyamorous, my sense of a cohesive self has finally manifested.  That might sound a bit dramatic, but when you’ve lived your entire adult life feeling divided into the “good person” or the “bad person,” having  those resolved into just “me”  feels  rather revolutionary.   I never believed that anyone could love the whole me, including all of the messy negative stuff.  So I sectioned off all of the things I perceived as bad (my tendency  to cheat being chief among them)  and only certain people got to see that part. Only those people who had engaged with me in that habit knew the “real” me.  And those acts of reckless abandon, of breaking the rules became precious acts to me.  The only parts untouched by my loved ones for whom I felt I would do anything or change anything to be more appealing.  Love was a thing earned by manipulation.  I was tricking people into caring about me.

I know now that I wasn’t fooling anybody.  That much is clear.  My significant others loved me despite this  tendency to try to hide my negative sides and gain attention through sexuality.  I thought physicality was a shortcut to emotional connection, that I was using it to get close to people.  I prided myself on having connections with people who were difficult to get to.  I succeeded where others failed by being the perfect confidant.  I am realizing  that the arrow may point the other way.  I have a hard time being connective and open with someone if I don’t feel a strong physical connection with them.  If and only if someone wants me sexually, will I truly open up to them.  I’m not sure what to make of that or how accurate it is.

Talking honestly about my actual needs and desires has led to substancial changes in my view on the world.  The so-called deviant aspects of my personality  have seen the light of day and are therefore subjec to change.  And this is a good thing.  There is a sense of ownership of my choices now and responsibility not only to my partners but to my self.  Boundaries are beginning to form of my own volition, which I honestly wasn’t sure was possible.  It is comforting to know that I am not a slave to my desires or a bottomless pit of connective need.  My needs are meetable and my desires are quenchable.